Putting your workout in its place

I love a good sweat sesh. It feels great both mentally and physically. And of course there are many health benefits of working out, but I have to admit that there have been times in my life when my trips to the gym had nothing to do with any of them. I recall sincerely believing that I needed to earn my badge as a trainer by achieving a certain aesthetic. Ironically enough, when I was working out the most, was when I was the most unhealthy. I celebrate every day, that those days are long gone. 

This is not a preach against working out and I'm absolutely not giving any reason to pass up on the benefits of balanced exercise. I'd be out of a job if it was. I love and embrace a variety of activities. I love that self empowerment that comes from pushing through mental limitations. I love facing my edge and moving past it in search of my unknown potential. I love the escape of a 180 bpm heart rate and the breathless recovery after an intense interval. Working out, if kept inside the healthy lines, can elevate your life experience and performance to greater heights. It can be so good! But however much you may or may not workout, does not define you as a human being. 

There is a fine line drawn between a healthy workout program and an unhealthy one, and many of us don't know the difference. Too easily we can cross that line into obsessive and compulsive behavior. Even worse, we often compliment and praise others for being such loyal gym goers without knowing their reasons why. I sometimes wonder, are we encouraging one another to obsess about exercise? Of course it's possible to workout often and keep things balanced, but my concern lies with the over-emphasis on gym time and the under-appreciation for the rest of the picture. What is even more alarming is the psychology that still lives in the gym arena. It has become too much of the norm to "work off our weekend" or to show up to a group fitness class under-slept, over-stressed and miss-fed and think we are doing our body justice by pushing through it. The daunting idea that we have to keep up with this workout prescription forever at whatever the cost, is enough to overwhelm anyone. Even as a trainer, I would think 'This can't be the only way'. 

I have to say, through my own learnings, I'm passionate about maintaining a balanced perspective on what it means to be fit and healthy, and to encourage others to do the same. It's possible that we have created such a distorted image of fitness that it seems un-attainable to most of us. Some of us won't even try and many of us often feel like a failure because we we can't keep up with so-and-so. This is too big a shame to ignore. 

The gym is not the center of the universe, and neither are your workouts. 

When I was first learning yoga 10 years ago, it was just another trendy way of working out for me. Using my chameleon-like skills, I waltzed into class just like the yogis, ready to play the role for an hour. After class, I rolled up my mat and assumed business as usual- unchanged and unaware of what I was missing. I just knew that yoga was supposed to be good for you, so I wanted to check it off the list. But I kept going back and I slowly began to realize I hadn't even scratched the surface of this practice. Because of yoga, I finally stepped off the crazy train. (This took years by the way) I have learned through many visits on my yoga mat, the importance of taking a scan on my body and evaluating my connection to it. I allow discomfort, frustration, exhaustion or whatever else to rise up to my awareness. With higher self-awareness I can take better care of me. I believe that this is what strength and fitness is made of. It’s a quiet strength that is only for you to know. It’s not the kind we put on display but the kind that gets us up in the morning with a grateful heart. The kind that guides us to love ourselves and forgive our shortcomings. The kind that says it's okay to skip the gym when our bodies need rest. Isn't this strength much more worthy of each others praise and admiration?

My clients often ask me "so how many times per week do you workout?" and I tell them that whatever my answer is should be meaningless to them. Further, what is a workout anyways? What quantifies a workout? I pondered on this a few weeks ago as I was filling out a health questionnaire at the doctor's office. 

    Circle how many days per week you workout?  0  1  2  3  4  5  6  7  

This question is so interpretive making the answer utterly irrelevant. Is walking the dog a workout? Is only crossfit a workout? Is working in the yard a workout? Is the doctor going to make an assumption about me based on my answer? I'm sitting there thinking about the difference of an active and sedentary lifestyle. I have a very active lifestyle and I'm not going to quantify my health by how many days per week I "workout".  I don't go to the gym everyday- and I would explain to the doc that I was a lot healthier because of it. Back in the day, I was running because I was scared of getting fat. I was lifting weights because I was scared of feeling weak. I was working out in search of acceptance and approval of others. I was going to the gym in a chronic state of fear. If I were a doctor, that's the kind of information I would want to know, not how many donkey kicks or bicep curls I did. 

While on my private little internal soap box, I didn't circle anything, in rebellion of such an imposing question. It's time we understand that health is so much more than logging in another workout. We must begin to see that every choice we face has an impact on our health. We must stop undoing our health by neglecting our mental, emotional and physical needs and expect to make up for it with an hour at the gym. Don't be disillusioned- a cardio circuit will indeed make you feel great but it won't undo a broken heart or an exhausted liver. 

My clients are usually disappointed in my answer. I know what they are wanting. They want a quantified box that they can check. Unfortunately, there is no magic box that covers it all. It's time we honor our own intelligence. To do that, we have to move past the denial that being healthy is that simple. You may not like this, but being healthy is a big job. It's every sleep, every meal, every walk, every book, every conversation and every choice that you make- every day. No amount of workouts can defeat the kind of damage we can do between visits to the gym. The gym alone is not the end all - save all.

If you are terrified that if you stop your workouts you will lose yourself, I challenge you to stop your workouts. I invite you to observe the miracle that is your body and to rediscover the other ways of taking care of yourself. Reinvent what strong means to you- without the gym. Perhaps there are some wounds that need healing that we don't know about. I want for you the freedom of knowing that you are whole, and beautiful and powerful regardless of your gym attendance. 

When we make this shift, working out feels less like a life sentence, and more like a privilege. A celebration! An expression of our internal greatness! Your body does not define you, you express yourself through your body. 

I'm big on securing that quiet strength that I've learned on the yoga mat. I've needed it because my body can't always perform anything close to a workout. My back goes out occasionally. I'll tell you more on that later, but the point is, some weeks I'm not going anywhere near a kettle bell. Does that make me less of something? Less of a trainer? Less of an athlete? Less of a yogi? I'll answer that, No! I am still me. Whole, strong and capable of being a bad ass even when my back isn't working. I define my own strong. No one else can tell me if I meet some made up standard or not. 

I don't apologize for missing a workout and I never feel guilty about it. If I'm honest I probably didn't even miss it- because I gave myself permission to do something else. There's never a deficit of workouts. Working out is a gain, not a ball and chain! 

I will always be healthy. I know that. Whether the scale or my max push up test goes up or down, I will always be healthy and strong. I made this commitment to myself a long time ago. At different phases in my life, my healthy and strong will look different. I often think about aging and being awesome in my 90's. I will be strong then and dammit I will be fit. But not because I will still be running hill sprints or mastering my chataranga. My fitness will be grace, and a quiet steady ease. My victory wont be in acquiring a tight ass, but in just having an ass to sit on and drink some scotch. And if a doctor asks me how often I workout, I will politely rephrase their question and in response I'll say "I'm the strongest I've ever been". 

This is me recently learning ballet for the first time! 

Listening for better health

As a personal trainer, group fitness instructor and yoga teacher, you might assume that I eat, breathe and sleep all things health. Of course I take my job seriously and do my best to stay informed on the latest research and trends so that I can best guide my clients and students. At the same time, I recognize that a lot of what is going on in the magazines and on the internet is just noise. While online platforms are a wonderful tool to share knowledge, it also is easy to feel overwhelmed and confused by the abundance of ideas, methods and philosophies. Health has become a giant industry, and while there is a ton of advances in the evolution of exercise and nutrition, we have been ignoring the most valuable information of all for far too long.

Have you noticed that the current fitness trend is headed back to restoring primal movement strength and patterns? I'm so happy to see this but it is also a reminder and example of how far we got off track from just the basics. I never want to see another leg extension machine again!

I take notice of the magazine stand on my way out of the grocery store and every time I'm surprised to see ads like '5 Exercises to get your bikini booty ready' or 'How so-and-so lost her baby weight in 3 months'. Are we still being convinced that there is a formulaic way to look like someone else or that changing your body shape is that simple? This is the most destructive noise that we must learn to block out. Even if you don't buy into it, it probably has caught your eye once or twice, and has snuck it's way into your subconscious. We are tempted by quick and seemingly simple solutions even when we know deep down that good health cannot be swallowed in a pill or acquired in a donkey kick.

While there is plenty to learn from one another through the power of testimonials and shared experiences, and of course educational literature, there is also an abundance of information much more powerful that only you have access to.

Only you know what it's like to be in YOUR body. Your body is your lifelong buddy. Your body is along for the ride every day; through your ups and downs, mishaps and adventures, jobs and parties, and everything we put in it. Our bodies do their best to offer us feedback when things aren't working, or when it didn't like that third glass of wine, or that bowl of sugar the night before. Unfortunately the practice of listening to our bodies has become more challenging as we are sorting through all the noise and the masses of information at our fingertips. We are so eager for someone to come tell us what to eat, how to move and what to do to feel better. In the meantime, we are ignoring the feedback our body is giving us, which is the majority of the knowledge we need to dispel our confusion and adjust our behaviors.

Eventually, we can get so off track that we hardly notice our aches and pains, and all the ways our bodies have strayed off the path of good health. I've had many clients before, whom when asked if they have any aches or pains, they answer with 'I have no idea, or I don't think so... '.  As I assess their movement patterns, it alarms me that they have little awareness of their poor posture or immobile shoulders which has caused their new normal to include a chronic state of discomfort. Another example is dehydration, Some of us have been dehydrated for so long, that we don't know what if feels like to be hydrated. We have completely tuned out to the signals that our body offers to us in an effort to communicate that we need more water... like dry skin, dry eyes, puffiness, headaches, hunger, the bloat and of course thirst! You don't need a medical journal to tell you how much water you need. Your body will tell you.

     When we workout too much we may have very low energy. 

     When we have a food allergy, our stomach hurts or we break out in a rash. 

     When we didn't sleep well, we may have brain fog or dark circles under our eyes. 

     When we have too much to drink, our head hurts the next day. 

All too often, we repeat the same mistakes and worse, we literally have the nerve to get upset when we feel icky again! Why are we so willing to listen to silly magazines while ignoring the clear messages our body offers to us when something is wrong?

Our body is our number one feedback system and resource to figure out what works and what doesn't, and it is just for us! The differences from one individual to the next are too great, making any mass prescribed program utterly irrelevant.

My hope for my friends, family and clients, is that they embrace their bodies as a source of wisdom and knowledge. We have been tricked into thinking that our bodies are the enemy and that we must learn to tame or control them. We try to manipulate and barter with our bodies to get what we want from them. This breaks my heart.

Sometimes, I imagine the things my body would say to me, like "Jamie, thank you so much for that yoga practice today, I really needed that. You are so good to me and I love you girl!".  I mean, maybe I'm a huge geek, but it's so much better than being the bully I once was. I spent a lot of time angry with my body for breaking, for hurting or for just not being good enough. I duct taped it's voice shut and continued to bombard my body with demands and expectations. Those days are long gone. I finally stopped shouting at my body, and started listening to what it had to say to me. This is why I love the end of a yoga class. It's an opportunity to scan the body and observe.

When something hurts or breaks, listening is the fastest way to heal. My disc herniations and degenerated lumbar spine have been a struggle of mine for more than 10 years. Rather than falling apart every time my back goes out, I have learned to respond with compassion and gratitude. Compassion because nobody and no body is perfect. Gratitude because my body is a soldier and I know it's doing its best. I also respond with patience and engage in activities that will give back to my body in an offering of space to heal. Did you know that your body can only heal and repair when your nervous system is in a state of rest? This is when we shift from Fight or Flight, to the Rest and Digest mode. We cannot be one foot in and one foot out. It's either-or. If I'm angry or frustrated, my body feels threatened. When I trust and listen, my body feels loved and cared for and can begin the healing and repairing process. I was stuck for too long, in a battle against my spine. Doesn't my body deserve the same compassion I would offer to others? It's trying so damn hard, every single damn day! Now I just want to give it a hug and say thank you, and promise to also do my best to take care of it.

This is what we've got to work with. Once we can accept the cards that we have been dealt, then we can move on into a higher state of performance and experience. The acceptance piece is HUGE! Acceptance doesn't mean giving up on a vision or a goal. Acceptance is the first step to elevating our perceptions and our attitudes. When we accept, we break through the paralyzing chains of wishful thinking that things could be suddenly and magically different. 

Let's accept our bodies and embrace them with love, compassion and grace. This is the attitude and mindset of a winner. Let's pursue our own unique beauty and our highest expression of health. Be a boss in your own skin!

Let's remember to shut out the noise and listen. What is your body telling you today? What sensations are you missing and what signals are you receiving? This is how we learn to take care of ourselves. No one can say anything more profound or more wise than what your body and your heart have to say. Close your eyes and take a listen. This is more powerful than any workout, any nutrition plan or any juice cleanse you can ever do!

Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start but can't complete

Listen to the sound from deep within

It's only beginning to find release

Oh, the time has come for my dreams to be heard

They will not be pushed aside and turned

Into your own all 'cause you won't listen

-More words form Bey 

And a special thanks to Jessie, Charlotte, Joy and Sarah for letting me take pictures of them after our workout today! xoxo

Dear Miss Independant

All the women who are independent

Throw your hands up at me.

-Destiny's Child

A genuine Thank You to women like Beyonce who have rallied us together to chant anthems such as these. Most of us happily follow along like "Hell ya! Preach! I'm an independent woman!" This whole movement of self prescribed (female) greatness has caused me to feel both empowered and yet cautious of it's effects-should it be taken too far. As true as it is; that we are capable and strong, wildly talented, gifted, and intelligent, there is a design behind humanity that calls for relationship. There is beauty in allowing ourselves to break in front of others- and allow people to come into our lives in an offering of encouragement, support and love. I've been considering how this badge of independence we proudly wear, should it get too big, could isolate us and derail the strength and intimacy of our relationships, with both our bf's and gf's. Additionally we may be confusing our need for others as a need for more stuff or more success. 

My intention is not to squash your spice or down your vibes. Should you hear me out, I'll continue. 

I've dabbled into this celebrated empowerment before. I was like "I don't need anyone to fix me!" and "I can open my own damn door thank you very much!" I started to develop this strength that felt really good. I even became interested in lifting heavier weights in the gym, because I wanted my body to represent the kind of strength I was feeling on the inside. Eventually I grew the strength needed to traverse the terrain of divorce as a young 25 year old girl, without anyone (but a rare few) noticing a sliver of brokenness throughout the entire process. People would comment 'You're so strong!' My inner warrior got me through a very strange time and in a strange and lonely way. My closest friends and family supported me with love and grace, but I didn't want to need them. I quietly healed in solitude; sleep by sleep, shower by shower and day by day. Today I look back, and I wish I would have gone home more and cried in my mothers arms. I wish I would have let my tears flow as they came- but my strength was in the way. I remember when one of my best friends, who moved in with me during that summer, breezed in and out of the apartment while I was packing up the dishes my ex and I had been given as a wedding present. This friend of mine is the sweetest, most loyal and compassionate person I know. I was struggling that day- with the memories and the loss. But I held it back and as soon as she was gone, my tears burst out and I fell to the ground. She had no idea how broken I was because I didn't let her know. My relationships with my friends and my mother missed an opportunity of going so much deeper because of my pride. (Love you mom. Love you Ash.) 

The year that followed I was on a mission to prove my point. I didn't need anyone. I lived by myself, I was killing it at work and I was dating a guy that was rarely in town. I bragged that I was the coolest girlfriend in the world because I was so NOT needy. He loved that too. However, perhaps inevitably, I began to desire some boyfriend things from him... like a card, some cuddle, a text? Or maybe he could come to a family dinner? Ha! He was like "Since when do you care about that?" He was right! I was Miss Independent. In my quest to channel my inner Sasha Fierce or Tay Tay, I was burying my desire for real relationship. Not that he was the guy for me anyway. I knew the universe was plotting something greater for me, but Lord did I have a lot of work to do before then. 

During nearly 2 years of stubborn, strong and proud independent living I was growing a personal yoga practice. I didn't know it at the time, but yoga was slowly breaking me down. I thought I was working on my headstands and perfecting my chataranga. Instead I was shaving down the guarding of my heart, piece by piece, practice by practice. I became curious enough to further my learnings and get certified as a yoga instructor. During my training we did some very uncomfortable things, like looking into the eyes of someone else as they stared back into yours for an unknown amount of time. Another was lying on your back, breathing in and out the mouth rapidly until you broke down either laughing hysterically or crying like a newborn baby. This technique is used to surface any unknown emotional scars or traumas (Not to be practiced alone). We did this twice in the training. The first time I held back- I refused to cry, it was a habit. Instead I giggled and thought that this was way too weird for me. The second opportunity with this technique, my tears won. I let it out. There I was, finally grieving in a far away place.  

The universe was seamlessly sequencing my ultimate love story. When I came home from 3 months in Costa Rica and the yoga training, I had no apartment, no car (I had sold it to pay for hostels and flights) and no job. I was broken again, but in a different way. The guard was down. My things were gone. Instead I desired raw and authentic relationships in my life. I was suddenly eager to grind out so many conversations with my family and friends. And I wanted to explore new people. I texted a boy that I was always curious for. I knew him well enough to call him a friend, but there was so much more to know. He had asked many times prior if we could go out. But I wasn't ready for him then. He still remembers me telling him over coffee that I didn't need a man to be happy. Oh Jamie. He deserved someone who wanted companionship, partnership and deep connection. After many humblings, I was ready to do that now. It's almost comical how needy I was when we started dating. He embraced my chaos and my unknown future as I explored what my next move was going to be. He gracefully let me borrow his car and listened to my ramblings into the early hours of dawn. He wanted to be there for me, and I let him. We fell in love and we are nearing our 1 year wedding anniversary and 4 years of sharing real life together. And I love it when he opens doors for me! 

When we are too strong to need others, we rob those who love us of the chance to support us. Our inner dialogue grows resentful because we start to believe that no one really cares for us, and it appears that even our loved ones aren't understanding our complexities. It's us against the world. Against the haters. It's a lonely way to live. It has been my learning that I can either enable stale relationships or nourish healthy ones. It starts with me. I work the balance between my inner warrior and my inner child. Because every now and then, Miss Independent needs a good cry. 

I proudly support women who have raised their voices in seeking equal opportunity in our society. May these voices prevail and continue to rally. Speaking of Beyonce, she recently was quoted in an article explaining that being a feminist doesn't require that you exclude the opposite sex. I admit to avoiding the use of this term, because I didn't want to be misunderstood. But of course I want equal rights and opportunity, and I love men too. Cool. I'm a feminist. 

My hope is that we continue to proclaim our capabilities and our strength with fierce voices, without reckless abandonment of relationship and intimacy. I'd love to hear your thoughts. 

On trying too hard

I've been trying to nail my handstand for years. I've also been trying to elevate my guitar skills since my 17th birthday. My husband and I have been trying to start a family since last May. Trying is emotionally exhausting! Perhaps because trying implies that nothing is happening, and of all the attempts that have been made, not a single one produced the desired outcome. To put so much effort, for little to zero return, can make a girl go cray-cray. Frankly, I'm tired of the word TRY and I'm done using it. (Right click --->Remove from Dictionary) Here are three reminders that have helped me escape the rut that is trying, and to truly start living with more joy and more energy- let's call it Truckin. 

Reminder 1- Have patience through the ups and downs. 

I recall tireless hours in my driveway as a kid, practicing the jump rope. It felt like I had all the time in the world to nail down all the tricks the other girls were doing at school during recess. When I messed up, I started again- insistant that I'd get it the next time. Back then, so young but so unknowingly wise, it was like I knew that my willingness to practice and 'mess up' meant that I was getting closer to crushing it! I wasn't trying, I was just doing. Our tech is programing us everyday and with each sundown, we are less patient than the night before. We are learning that if something isn't happening right away, it's a fail. A loss. A glitch in the system. It's up to us, to update our own wiring with a practice of patience. 

Reminder 2- Be in the journey. 

The other day at my acupuncture appointment, I was sharing how repetitive the months can feel when I greet my girlfriends saying "No I'm not preggo yet, and yes I'll have another glass of wine. " It's almost like I can feel their sense of sorrow for me. Of course they have every good intention in the world, but I gotta say, their disgruntled sigh additionally reminds me that another month of trying didn't work. In defense of my uterus, why do we expect these things to happen so easily in the first place? Babies are freakin miracles! My acupuncturist neatly said, "Go back to enjoying the journey. You are in the journey of making a baby." as she poked a needle in my face. Then I was like "You're right! I'm gonna go text my boo and be like 'Bow Chica Bow Wow!'

Reminder 3- Let go every once in a while.

Then I'll take it to my yoga practice. Instagram has innocently populated the handstand and all kinds of upside down acrobatics that make being a yoga instructor quite interesting, as we evaluate the dichotomy of yoga tricks and a yoga practice. I happily admit to dreaming of perfecting my handstand and taking wildly beautiful photos of them, but I also preserve the right to not be perfect, especially as a teacher. My handstands are done against my kitchen wall, yet to be taken to cyberspace for all to see. to be honest, there have been many moments on my yoga mat that I am quietly pushing away the fear that my practice has reached it's peak. And just like they always say, you get pregnant when you stop trying. The same goes for a yoga pose. Example given:

For years, I couldn't find a bind behind my back because my shoulders were generously tight. I tried and tried and worked for that bind but it never seemed to open up. I forgot about that bind for a good 6 months. After a few life changes, a game changing trip to Central America and some emotional remodeling, I found myself in a random studio, with a random teacher and.... whuuu? - I got the bind! 

And the guitar? I'm going right after this blog post to go play those same chords that I've been playing for half my life, and I'm gonna love it! 

We can try endlessly and spend most of our time feeling like a total dud.

But I'd rather be in the 'Just Do It' group, throw on my Nike Airs and trust that every jump over that rope is one jump closer to recess bliss! 

Jamie