Believing in the Miracle

Mother's Day is bringing up a lot of emotions for me. I know that I cannot simplify my journey to motherhood in a single blog post so I won't even try. My feeling is that I will be writing on the subject a lot in the future, which gives me plenty of time to sort through it all piece by piece. For now, I want to write to all the women who are waiting for their babies.

It had been two years of trying for my husband and I. The thought had always occurred to me that it would be difficult to get pregnant, but of course I had hoped that wouldn't be the case. Somehow month after month, I held on to a sliver of hope that next time it would work. But month after month, it didn't. Life continued to move around me, but inside I was at a standstill. I felt stuck- wanting something so badly but it being completely out of my control.

Of course I was hearing things like "Babies come on their own time" and "Just try to enjoy time with your husband" and the most popular, "When you stop trying, it will happen". What does that even mean? Like we should stop having sex and write a letter to the stork?

I wont try to define how or why we got pregnant, because I don't think I can. There is a lot more to the journey that I can share another time. All I know is that now that I can look into my daughters eyes, I simply see her as a miracle. It was never about me, it was always about her, I just didn't know it yet.

Mother's Day last year, I was 20 minutes from heading out the door to teach a yoga class to a room full of moms and daughters. We were a few days away from my expected period as I had become used to getting month after month. It would have been silly to take a pregnancy test but somehow I just really wanted to. I told my husband that I just needed to clear my head before the class, and the negative pregnancy test would allow me to just move on for this month.

I set it on the table in our kitchen and walked away. I told my husband in 3 minutes to look at it and just tell me what it said. That was our usual routine because even though I was so used to failure, I remained hopeful. I looked over at him and I noticed that he was taking a little more time to read it, silently looking closer and closer. I froze because usually it's a quick read and a toss in the trash. He said "I think I see something". I immediately started crying and walked over slowly. I saw it too. It was the slightest little pink line. There was something there. We cried in each others arms in complete disbelief. In fact it took a blood test days later to convince me this was really happening.

Mother's Day 2017

I left to teach my yoga class. There was a lot of love in the room. I remember that class so well. Looking at all these mamas, wondering if I was becoming one. Wondering if there was life growing inside me that very day. My boss took this picture of me at the end of class while everyone was in savasana. I didn't know she was taking pictures but I'm glad she did, because I remember praying in that moment. Praying that no matter what, I didn't give up on miracles. Praying that a miracle was in the making, this month or next month or the month after that. Don't stop believing in the miracle.



Today I want to say to all the beautiful goddesses waiting for their baby, my heart is with you. You are not alone. There is nothing wrong with you. You are brave, powerful and I believe in your miracle. And if you are lucky enough to have a child in your arms today, share them with the people around you, especially with women who are waiting. I remember just wanting to hold a baby so badly and I was fortunate enough to hold my best friends children during those years of waiting for my own.

Happy Mother's Day to everyone. And to my own mother, I love you and appreciate you more than ever.

My sweet girl, Sienna