unedited for 100 days. Day 22

I've been thinking lately that in the 'self help department' we've got it all wrong. Isn't it possible that we are overemphasizing helping ourselves anyways? Don't get me wrong, you know I'm all about living my best life; after all I love me some yoga, long walks on the beach and matcha tea. Still somehow I think we might be skipping over the most important piece of being alive. I scroll my favorite instagram influencers and am bombarded with the hundreds of things to eat, drink and do to be healthier and happier. I can't help but feel a sense of falling short. I'm not meditating enough. I'm not journaling enough. I'm not soaking in epsom salt baths enough. Shit, I forgot to eat my goji berries and chaga mushrooms today. From a headspace of not being able to fulfill the prophecy of self care that is called upon us, it's likely that we feel as if we don't have time to help others, or volunteer or simply just call up a friend up and ask them how they are doing. I mean isn't it true what they say? Take care of yourself first, so that then you can care for others better? But if taking care of ourselves involves a checklist of 250 things to do, how do we ever get to being there for the people around us? Which I think is the most important piece of being alive. It is my belief that we are called to be a part of community, big and small. So I just wonder if we can go back to the basics. Eat well. Move well. When you want to juice some carrots go for it. And when you'd rather watch bachelor over mediate, fine by me! But always, always be a friend. Be a part of community. Be available to the humans around you. Chances are, helping others will have a hell of a lot more impact on feeling happier and healthier than that golden milk latte will.

unedited for 100 days. Day 21

I am finding that the skill of conserving energy has become quite valuable in my life. Energy of all kinds too. Not just physical energy, but mental and emotional as well. In regards to conserving emotional energy, I am learning that there are times when I have a choice to engage and react, or simply flow through moments that are better left simple, and perhaps less intimate. I have always prided myself to be someone that was open and honest with the people around me. So much so that I couldn't lie to the cashier at the grocery store if they asked how my day was. If I was having a rough day for big reasons or small, I had to tell them about it because if I didn't I felt dishonest. After all, don't we relate and connect to one another when we can be real and honest? What I'm learning though is that it is okay to politely connect in a detached manner and conserve your emotional energy for a time when you can be productive with it. Mental energy is another one that we should be choosy with. We have information constantly thrown at as from all directions. I am learning to filter that information- it is okay to let some things in one ear and out the other. And of course physical energy is an important one. Our bodies were not built to perform at one hundred miles per hour all day long. Find moments to slow down your movements and slow down your breath. If you have been waiting for permission, I humbly grant it to you (wink wink).

unedited for 100 days. Day 20

I do believe that at any moment, you can recreate your life. Whether it is a simple shift in style or a dramatic change of opinion, we have the option to transform into something or someone different on any given day. This idea is so liberating to me, while at the same time it reinforces the responsibility of owning my life and the choices I make. I tend to avoid the feeling of being stagnant like it's the plague. Perhaps that is why I change directions immediately the moment I sense a standstill. And perhaps that is why I constantly rearrange furniture, or rearrange the cupboards or cut my hair on a whim (like just yesterday). All of these mini change ups offer a valuable reminder that while there are some things we may not be able to change, there are opportunities every single day to choose to keep (or leave behind) the people, the things and the ways of our life.  With this perspective, it also changes the way I think about commitment. To some, commitment can seem boring or like a trap. Au contraire! Commitment is a choice you make over and over again with each sunset and each sunrise. An obvious example is marriage. I take my rings off every night out of habit, not just so that I can apply hand cream without dirtying them up, but also so that in the morning I can have a quiet moment to myself as I place the rings back on my finger, remembering that I choose him every day. (Although it's not a difficult choice- this little ritual keeps my perspective in check). Every day of our life is full of possibilities and choices, and I think it is vital that we own it all. And if you ever feel stuck or oppressed by something or someone that you cannot change, focus on the things that you can. I may not be able to shorten this cold Seattle winter, but I sure as hell can go get a haircut and for now that's enough to spice things up.

unedited for 100 days. Day 19

According to planetcalc.com I have lived through one thousand eight hundred and eleven weeks, plus six days. That makes today my one thousand eight hundred and eleventh Friday. I guess that seems like a lot of Fridays, but it is also a shockingly low number considering the fact that many of those weeks I was probably counting down to Friday, likely ignoring the significance of the preceding and under appreciated weekdays. Not to mention that most of the work that I've done in my life did not happen on Fridays. All of those Mondays, Tuesdays, hump day Wednesdays and throw-back Thursdays hold the meat and glory of my story. The homework, the performances, the games, the matches, the corporate grind, the failures, the successes are all to thank that weekday hustle. Still Friday rolls around and it's that little reward. That subtle reminder that another week has passed, leaving you feeling one of two ways. You either crushed it, or maybe you dropped the ball on a few things, both possibilities contributing to the larger plot of your story. This week was a challenge getting it all done. In fact, I had to cancel a lot of things because my baby girl was sick. I could be left feeling behind and in areas unsuccessful (i.e. working out, meal planning, cooking, getting to bed on time...), but instead I recognize that my week was spent writing my story as a mother and in that regard, I feel quite accomplished. Just a little reminder that although Friday is indeed a damn good day, the other days are worthy of  a medal. Happy Friday friends!

unedited for 100 days. Day 18

Unless you are a paid artist of some kind, chances are the older you've gotten the less time you have for creativity or play. We are all born with creative minds and the kind of imaginations that could take us from our families' kitchen table to the so convincingly real Candyland of our dreams. I remember thinking that heaven was Candyland. I could eat all the candy I wanted someday if I just made it through the famous golden gates- which were obviously guarded by two angel-like elves that would either let you in or turn you away. That's how my young and sugar high mind imagined it anyway. I think it was actually the place I thought of most when I was falling asleep at night as a kid.
I accept that growing older comes with more responsibilities and of course more topics to worry about including but not limited to; jobs, bills, politics, insurance policies, health issues, 401k's, laundry, dinner... the list goes on. Not only does the list go on, it cycles through from start to finish every single day. What I don't accept is that this needs to push out all our time for creativity. We must decide to make the time for play. Even if it's just a quick 5 minutes with a blank piece of paper and some markers. Remember that? It must be a decade since I doodled without a purpose. I'm not talking about doodling in your fancy planner. I'm talking about drawing an apple tree and a couple stick figures holding flowers in the sunshine (because that's about as good as my drawing skills go) because creating things without an agenda is just good for the soul. No ego. Just you and your dorky little imagination having a little reunion every once in a while. All I know is I'm going to bed thinking about kicking it in Candyland with little angel trolls.

unedited for 100 days. Day 17

I guess it was about 10 years ago that I started to transform into what I would call a sleep diva. I suppose my cute little studio apartment had something to do with it. I was recently divorced and queen of my castle, for really the first time in my life. From my adolescent home I moved to the dorms at college, then an apartment of three girls, followed by a house of six girls and then to another apartment with my then spouse. I had never lived alone until my 500 and something square foot apartment. It gave me the time and space to genuinely get to know myself. I was able to do things the way I liked to do them, without tip-toeing around roommates or exes. I walked by that apartment today, with my dog and baby in tow per usual, feeling grateful and of course nostalgic.  That little place, and the girl that once lived there, had no idea of what was to come. She didn't have a plan or much of an ambition, outside of the dream to be free and happy. And perhaps with any luck, find someone to share life with that would embrace her newly realized need and passionate love for nine hours of sleep, and of course the eye mask, ear plugs and essential oils that make it happen. I may not always get my nine hours, but I'm about to proudly put my mask on next to the love of my life. Night night!

unedited for 100 Days. Day 16

These are the weeks, well let's be real, these are the months that you start to question your loyalty to living in the northwest. At least for me, this is the very predictable time of year when my haste for the endless damp and dreary days tempt me to call it quits. I start scrolling the real estate elsewhere, anywhere that isn't here. Usually landing in the heartbreak of the southern California cost per square foot. Damn. Why you gotta be like that SoCal? And then I quietly decide that our education system is just too hard to beat, plus my dog wouldn't like year round heat anyways. Aren't we 'northwestern-ers'  all the same? We complain about the weather almost year round amongst one another, but the moment our beloved corner of the world is under attack by a much more cultured eastcoaster, or maybe a tanned beach babe from Cali, we defend this place like it's our first born child. We passionately vocalize our appreciation for our air quality, the mountainous beauty, the lakes, the rivers, the trees,  the endless outdoor recreation (hence our timeless style of outwear and beanies). We could go on and on about what makes this place great- because it is. Just one sunset against the Olympics and you swoon for a Seattle zip code. And those perfect summer nights on the beach (yes we totally have beaches- like rocky beaches...but they are beaches) are hard to beat. But right now its mid February and I want the hell out of here.

unedited for 100 days. Day 15

Some say that we overuse the word 'Love'. The concern is that the word will lose it's meaning or lose it's sincerity perhaps. I disagree. I think we need to use the word more! The world is in constant calibration, searching for it's true nature. Is the world good? Is it bad? I mean, 'To be or not to be?' right? All I know is that the world needs more love. More light. If you love the shit out of your pet snake- perfect! If you love the shit out of your books, or your coffee or your vintage record player, bring it! We need this kind of energy circulating around us. And isn't it obvious that when I say, "I love my manicure" it's not the same as saying "I love you" to my peeps? And even with our friends and family, isn't it true that we have a special and unique love for each person? Why limit this word to romantic love anyways? And what about self-love? That's a weird one. I think we struggle with it because we forget that love can be an expression of gratitude or acceptance. I really don't think we can ever know all the ways of love. However, I assert that we all have a right to express love in whatever damn way we please. So happy valentines to you and your pet snake!

unedited for 100 days. Day 14

An important element of teaching yoga is the responsibility of holding space for people. It is meant to be a safe and non-judgmental space for people to explore and discover themselves. I try not to impose beliefs or any kind of personal agenda on my class. Of course though, a part of being a teacher is sharing a piece of yourself to build that trust and highlight the common ground that unites us. The ups and downs, the messes, the celebrations, the failures and everything in between. A teacher must be cautious in how and what they share to keep the space available to everyone. I get turned off when I attend a class in which the teacher begins with their personal take on life that day. They might start with a tragedy that is in the news, or their recent vacation to the beach. In their intent to share and connect, the impact is the imposition of a certain mood or feeling on everyone in the room. Guiding a group yoga class is a fragile art. Some people are walking in the doors having the best day of their life, while others might be in the middle of a crisis. I find it especially important that we keep our personal highs and lows to ourselves as teachers. Perhaps before or after class we can connect with our students in this way. It would be a failure for all of us teachers if people denied themselves of yoga because they didn't think they were happy enough, or peaceful enough or 'deep' enough.  Yoga is for all of us. In a nutshell, yoga is a movement and breath practice that offers space to be exactly as we are, on any given day- and in that self awareness and discovery, we find more peace. This is why you will hear me say the word "peace" in class and not the word "happy". We won't be "happy" every day but that should never keep us from our mat. I hope my students always feel safe and free to be themselves. So those are my thoughts on that. :)

unedited for 100 days. Day 13

I finally started Michelle Obama's book Becoming. I'm going Audible on this one because there's something awesome about listening to her read her own story. So I took my crew (dog and baby) on a walk today in basically a blizzard, (apparently our current northwest snow storm has made national news) and listened to Michelle talk about her experience in school as a kid in which the students had to spell out the names of colors, and how quickly it humiliated the kids that couldn't get through the first one. It brought back a memory for me from middle school. We had to memorize all of the major rivers in Washington State. Each kid would be called up to the board in which the teacher would point to a river at random and we had to name it in front of the class. I remember studying so hard for this, for at least a few days, maybe even a week or two. Either way, I do know that I was motivated as hell to pass. For those with a photographic memory, this type of quiz was cake. I had friends that barely had to revisit the worksheets. They saw it once and they easily remembered. For me though, I had to come up with other methods. I'm a music girl so I would create songs. On Washington State river test day, my name was called and I confidently walked up to the map. I'm sure for everyone in the room my unusually long and awkward pause after the teacher pointed to 'Snake River' on the map, made it appear that I was going to take a wild guess. What they didn't know was that I was happily singing my song in my head as my eyes moved from river to river in a counterclockwise order starting at the top left corner. Of course Snake River is bottom right. Perhaps my peers easily remembered the fact that Snake River was on the bottom right. Either way, a correct answer is a correct answer. I eventually called out "Snake River" in probably a hint of a singing voice and proudly walked back to my seat. Pass! Thanks Michelle for reminding me of what a cooky and dedicated weirdo I am.

unedited for 100 days. Day 12

Hubby and I have been doing a day date for the past 6 months or so and it kicks ass! There are 5 reasons why I love this. One, it is in the middle of the day, hence "day date". I'm not in my sweat pants (well, I'm in yoga pants but that's different.... right?) and I still have my 'middle of the day' mojo. Meaning, I have energy to look him in the eye and listen to him (without thinking about all the things I need to do before going to bed). Two, we meet in public, the way we used to when we were first dating. It's just a fun feeling to see your man walk through the doors and spot you from across the room. In that moment, you feel all giddy like, "I'm over here baby". Three, a day drink just has a different vibe. Sometimes we have a glass of wine, sometimes we don't but either way, it's casual and fun. You feel slightly Euro and I think we can all agree the Europeans just have that mid day cool. Four, the conversation has a light feel. We know that this day date has a tight time limit to it. Typically we are in and out within an hour. Instead of losing focus on a random tangent that doesn't matter, we stick to the point and usually avoid topics that require a lot of brain power or time. Finally, my fifth reason for why the day date kicks ass is the goodbye. There is a little bit of a lingering flirtation in the air- like "you want to come to my place tonight...?". Lol. But seriously, the day date is not something to be looked over. Big fan over here.

unedited for 100 days. Day 11

I'm hearing from my friends about the chaos at the grocery stores tonight as people are clearing the shelves in preparation for the snow storm hitting the Seattle area tomorrow. Maybe I'm not taking this storm serious enough, but I'm glad I've got some food in the fridge because I am not about to join that circus. I don't know why I tend to rebel against anything the crowd is doing (unless it's pop music or current hairstyle trends) but for most things, going my own way is my MO. I suppose it isn't the right approach however if there really was going to be an apocalypse. In that case, you have got to jump in that canned goods aisle and grab as many non-perishables that you can fit into your basket. Something tells me even then, I would probably just grab one or two cans of coconut milk and dog treats and call it a day. I think I just feel silly behaving in a panic. I also know that I like to leave room for mystery in life. Snow storm 2019, you are my jam! I'm just going to live life all crazy over here and see what happens- and probably be calling friends for food.

unedited for 100 days. Day 10

I am reminded daily of the strength I have lost since my pre-pregnant days. Damn, I really took my strength for granted back then. Now I have to get down on the floor just to make sure I can still do 10 basic push ups. I think most of my friends and family assumed that I would have had one of those pregnancy's that just seemed to cruise on by with an isolated pop of my belly. Hard no. Like 50 pounds hard no! Regardless, I stood in front of a fit crowd every day and continued to teach yoga and group fitness classes, while not one pound of me was worried about the way my body was changing. Perhaps a part of it was that we tried to get pregnant for two years. At a certain point, the only option is gratitude (truth!). Additionally, I always knew that there would be a time and place to get back to my wardrobe.  My season of being pregnant was so much bigger than that. 

Yesterday I celebrated my daughters first birthday! It was a gentle reminder that I have come a long way, yet I have plenty more to go. Although I am able to wear all my favorite clothes again, I cannot say that I worked for it. I know that may seem unfair but the fact that I dropped thirty pounds in the first two weeks postpartum made it clear to me that my weight loss (or weight gain) had nothing to do with working out. (Thanks water retention and raging hormones.) 

I am proud that I never freaked out about the number on the scale (even though my doc reminded me weekly that she did not recommend closing in on forty pounds weight gain during pregnancy- sorry doc! Got ya beat!). Additionally, I am proud that I have been patient with my body as I journey back to my days of kettle bell swinging and pistol squats. I equally accept that I have now graduated from early baby days and it's time to break a sweat. 

I humbly would like to remind us all, that what is seen on the outside is not the story in entirety.  Yes those fifty pregnant pounds are long gone, but my body still feels like it is in a million pieces and I am just now starting to put those pieces back together. 

unedited for 100 days. Day 9

It's a curse. I am too good at being efficient and multi-tasking. I catch myself having these secret contests with myself all day long. If I put something in the microwave for 90 seconds, I challenge myself to change the laundry, empty the trash and pee before the timer goes off. Another example is finding random things to put away or pick up off the floor while I brush my teeth. Any other Sonicare users out there? You know those two minutes feel way too long to stand there doing nothing. I also have become very skillful with my nightly routine, getting everything ready for the next day- methodically filling the Berkey, prepping the coffee machine, wiping the counters and starting the dishwasher in the most efficient way. To be specific, I position the faucet on the edge of the Berkey ever so precisely that it will stay there on it's own, so that I can do as much of those other things before it starts over flowing. Like a said, it's a curse and slightly insane. My husband calls it 'Monica mode', like from Friends. Lately, I've been challenging myself to slow down and be present with one task at a time. Tonight, I stood still for the full two minutes, brushing all sections of my teeth (bored out of my mind) but noticeably more relaxed physically and mentally. Yay for small victories!